In a word

A lot of introspection happening for me lately, but it seems to me that so much of our cultural struggle right now comes down to identity and self-worth. How people define themselves and assign themselves value. How they see themselves fitting into the world around them. How each of us answers the question "who am I?"

Not everyone consciously explores this question. Not everyone can. Certainly, not everyone gets taught how or is even given the tools. Some are taught, explicitly or implicitly, not to ask.

Some of us are forced to ask ourselves every day.

But when the reality of the world clashes with your sense of identity, you are faced – whether you realize it or not – with the choice of deciding whether it's your definition of your self (sic) or something out there in the world that is inaccurate or incomplete. And more likely, it’s something in between.

If someone has never explored that question… if they’ve never checked the component parts of their definition of self to see how solid or accurate or even viable it is, much less what might lie even further below at its foundations… the default response seems to be to assume that it’s the world that is wrong.

As just one small example, I remember going to pick up one of my kids from elementary school one day, when a group of kids ran up. The boy at the lead looked up and asked me, quite sincerely, and evidently on behalf of the whole group, "why do you have girl hair?" Looking back on this through the sharper lenses I have now, he clearly self-identified as a boy, he had short hair, he accepted the common gender stereotype in this culture that boys have short hair and girls have long hair, so his understandable reaction was to ask why I didn't fit, not whether his definition might possibly be flawed. Pointing out that his female teachers, and the majority of his female classmates, had shorter hair than mine, and that therefore, by my thinking, it looked more like he was the one with "girl hair," made for an interesting conversation all around.

This same kind of reaction comes disguised in so many other ways and under so many other names, some not so sincere or innocent. Male fragility and toxic masculinity come to mind, as just two such examples. And much of it seems to comes down to insecurity… insecurity in ones sense of self, insecurity in ones value, insecurity in ones place in the world. It somehow strikes at something both deeper and greater than what you see on Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

So how deep do the roots of your sense of self go?

I am: Winston Hsien-Jen Pei, and also Pei Hsien Jen, BA MA CGD, Digital Content Strategist at (the Faculty of) Engineering at (the University of) Alberta, Founder and Principal at Black Riders Design, President of the Kokopelli Choir Association. Names and titles, and a rose by any other.

I am: a parent, I was a spouse, I am a child and a sibling and a pibling. I am a friend. But of these hats, I tend to think of them more as roles I play. I mean, yes, part of my answer to "who am I?" is to say that I am a dad, and in no small part. But becoming an empty nester won’t collapse my core sense of self. Neither did switching from husband to co-parent, as profound a change as that was.

I am: a writer, an editor, a designer, an artist, a musician, a singer, a chorister, a communicator, a programmer, a consultant, a technologist, a thinker, an academic, a circus performer, a student librarian, a community-builder. Things I do, but not ultimately who I am… coats and uniforms I put on and take off and put away as required.

I am: a Canadian of Chinese heritage; a child of immigrants and so also a settler; a straight CIS male and a man; he/him/they/them; a sceptical, agnostic, Taoist, recovering Christian, Episode 8 Jedi (at the moment); long-haired and goateed (at the moment); near-sighted (forever and always); more neurotypical than not; a nerd of many nerdoms. Adjectives and descriptors, yes. Important, yes. Foundational? I don't know.

I am: curious. Well, now there's something upon which to build a core identity, perhaps? I'm not sure, but I wonder...

And so what about for you? I know, humans are complex, humanity even moreso, and I rail at every other oversimplification of the human being and the human condition, from astrology to the Myers-Briggs. But just as a thought experiment, what would your one word be? What’s most at the immoveable base of your self, your core, your starting place?

In a word, who are you?

Update: There is now also a short follow up post…