Wait, where was I going with this?

Photo of Nathan Sawaya’s LEGO replica of The Thinker, taken at the Art of the Brick exhibit at the TELUS World of Science.

It’s such a fine balance to try to find and hold, between who you are and who you need to be in this world.

If you’re willing, the two things sometimes come close to being the same thing, a moment in the pendulums’ swing.

If you’re able, perhaps you can make those moments happen more often, and for longer.

If you’re lucky, sometimes you can hold that balance long enough for the one to leave an imprint on the other, a little bit more each time, before you teeter off again to one side or the other.

If you even know it’s happening.

If you are that aware. And take the time to be. Or have the time to be.

Are willing… able… lucky.

I don’t actually know what those two things are, mind you… who I am or who I need to be in this world. Or at least I’m not sure which parts of me are which, of the parts that maybe I do know, or think I know, or suspect.

I mean I certainly do know who I’m asked to be, told to be, encouraged to be. No, actually I know what I’m asked to be, told to be, encouraged to be. What I am is a much easier thing to uncover than who I am, and beware that I should ever confuse the two.

There are definitely parts of me that I thought were who I am, but turns out… maybe not. So many things I’m realizing I’ve needed to be, had to be, chosen to be, not realizing they weren’t me. Or maybe they were. Maybe they are. Maybe they became me.

But if that’s true, then anything that “is me” might possibly not be, not really, and perhaps I can move them across to “needed to be, but no longer.”

Maybe what I need to be now is more me or what I need to be for me? And maybe things that I still need to be can still also be me? And maybe things that I’m not, but should be, could, in fact, be?

I don’t even know if some of those things can even be. And yet even if they never are, I remain me, who I am, who I need to be. Only now it’s more who I need to be for me. Except when who I need to be for me is what the world needs me to be, in which case is it more me or less me?

Or just simply… me?

Just simply me.

I certainly hope you didn’t start reading this in hopes of an answer, which maybe you hoped I might be, needed me to be, needed someone to be. I mean, I certainly started writing this in hopes of getting to an answer, see where the words would lead, free from me. But once again I am reminded that maybe what matters is not where they lead but where they take me, if the difference there you can see.

The questions, not the answers. The… cliché alert… path and not the destination.

I did at one point wonder aloud if curiosity might be my “one word.” I suppose if it is, then questions kind of are who I am. And maybe asking questions is who I need to be in this world. And so maybe who I am and who I need to be in this world aren’t so far apart. But no fine balance here, no balance at all.

But then maybe being in balance isn’t who I am or who I need to be in this world. Being in balance is also standing still, while walking is constantly almost falling down, perpetual imbalance, but with purpose and sometimes even direction. Even if that purpose is simply to not fall down.

To always be near balanced. Balanced for a moment. Then not. Then once again.

Pendulums.

Which means the real balance isn’t between who I am and who I need to be in this world? But rather who I am and what I need to be in this world?

And to not confuse who I am and what I am. Those two are not the same, not anything to balance. I’m not even sure how they connect, actually. Is the one a reflection of the other? A product? A symptom? A sign?

Well whatever this particular path has been, it has been a winding one. And what I was about to write was “and I’m not sure where it’s taken me”… as if a destination might explain or justify the trip.

No, I’ve just been out on another bit of a wander. Not sure if it’s been over familiar ground, although it seems like. But perhaps with a new view. Certainly a new perspective. Or perhaps it’s new terrain altogether. But that’s a whole other wander to take, and perhaps write about, some other time.

For now, here this is, perhaps what the world needs from me, perhaps just what I needed to put out into the world for me.

And if you’ve made it all the way to here, delighted to have had you take this wander with me!

So… where to next?

– Winston